


i'd be surprisingly good for you

by amazingphiw



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Actor Dan Howell, Alternate Universe, Depression, Editor Phil Lester, M/M, No Smut, but they have to work out who they are in the public eye, not a slow burn they fall in love quite quickly, there will only be build up and the implied acts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-03-22 13:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13765539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingphiw/pseuds/amazingphiw
Summary: Phil Lester is an under appreciated film editor working behind the scenes. What happens when he gets the chance to talk to movie star Daniel Howell at a party?/Daniel Howell is a mediocre actor who only gets supporting roles and never the lead. What happens when a film editor he admires starts talking to him at a party?





	1. Chapter 1

Phil felt really out of place with his ill fitting suit and out of style haircut standing among the elites of his industry. He was one of the few members of his editing team that was invited to the pre-celebration party which made him even more uncomfortable. Having 3 BAFTAs nominations was a big deal, but why would anyone celebrate before winning?

Being the Head of Editing made Phil an important person in the production of the movie, but they certainly did not make him feel important. Some familiar faces have stopped by to give Phil a pat on the back and say something along the lines of “Good job, Phil!” but the night is almost over and he was still stood alone staring into his champagne glass.

Well maybe not completely alone. Someone had caught his eye, a man who stood just a table away from Phil. As Head of Editing, Phil recognised every on-screen actor immediately. It was Daniel Howell, one of the supporting actors in the movie. 

It was hard to not notice Daniel, his good looks were what earned him multiple roles as the ‘Handsome Best Friend’ in different movies. Phil often caught himself staring a little too long while editing the scenes with Daniel in it, and when Phil saw him in real life for the first time he was absolutely captivated. 

Though what caught Phil’s attention more than anything was that Daniel was doing the same thing he was. Standing alone with a champagne glass, smiling at familiar faces who walked by. It was strange, surely as part of the cast Daniel should have more people to talk to than Phil did.

There was only an hour left before the party ended and Phil was bored. He downed the rest of the champagne left in his glass for some courage and picked up a new one. There was nothing better to do anyway, he might as well go talk to the only other person who seemed just as bored as he was.

“Hello?” Phil said, and it came out more as an insecure question.

Daniel looked up and there was a flash of confusion followed by a small smile.

“Phil Lester? I’m Daniel Howell,” he said, reaching for a handshake.

Phil shook his hand back quickly, “wow you know who I am?”

Daniel chuckled, “of course I do. You’re Head of Editing, quite a big shot around here.”

“I thought I kept a low profile around here but if a big star like Daniel Howell knows who I am, then I must be more of a big deal than I thought,” Phil joked.

“A big star? You must have me confused with that group over there,” Daniel said pointing to the group of lead actors. “Oh, and you can just call me Dan.”

“Okay then, Dan. I know who you are because you’ve been on my computer screen for the last year or so. Now tell me how you recognise me when we’ve never even met.” 

“God this is embarrassing.” 

“Why? I’m just an editor. I’ve never been recognised by an actor before, this is exciting for me!” 

“I’m just an actor, Phil.” Dan looked down slightly. 

“When you act you take us all away from the realities of our own lives, and for one moment I am in you world.” Phil laughed, thinking how ridiculous he must sound because Dan had surely heard this a thousand times. “And I’m just an editor. One of the hundreds of editors they had on this film.”

“Everything you do moves the movie along like magic. You make watching the film so much more enjoyable. Emphasising points in the movie that spoke deeply to me, creating lightness when it gets too heavy.” Dan seemed like he had more to say but he stopped himself.

“Wow, thank you. I’ve never had anyone describe my editing like that,” Phil almost blushed.

“Yeah it’s really some of the best work I’ve seen in recent years.”

“Too bad I wasn’t the one nominated for a BAFTA then,” Phil said jokingly. “Congratulations by the way.” 

“Thanks, it’s my first one.” Dan smiled and Phil almost saw a glimpse of a dimple. 

Phil remembered that Dan was almost always filmed with his left profile because it was his ‘better side’. Then one day Phil saw a clip where Dan laughed and turned to his right side with his dimple showing. All Phil could remember was thinking _what could possibly be better than this?_

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten by the way,” Phil said and took a sip of his champagne.

“What?”

“How did you know who I am?”

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah, I mean really even the production staff barely recognise me.”

“This is embarrassing but I auditioned for this movie knowing they hired you as Head of Editing.”

“Wait, what?” Phil was in shock. “I have so many questions. How did you even know I got the job? Most importantly, why?”

Dan laughed and his dimple showed up again. Phil wasn’t sure if he felt lightheaded from the champagne or from seeing Dan’s dimple twice in such a short frame of time.

“I watched a lot of your independent films when I was younger and trying to be a hipster. The first few independent films I watched when starting to dip my toe into that world were so boring and I wanted to give up, but I came across some of yours and they were simply amazing. I never did continue my indie film watching habit, but I always remembered your films. Eventually I followed you on twitter with my personal and non-verified Twitter account and saw you tweet that this was your first mainstream movie job. I had an audition offer for this movie on the table for awhile, so I was definitely not stalking you but it definitely did motivate me.” Dan turned his face away.

“That’s..”

“It’s too much isn’t it? I don’t know what I was expecting. I just liked the thought of being in a movie edited by you.” 

“No, no it’s not too much,” Phil quickly said, while getting a little flustered. “I never thought anyone noticed those silly films of mine. That was the reason I decided to take up a more mainstream job, even if it was only editing and not the full production process that I would get involved in.”

“Well, I’m glad it worked out for both of us then.” Dan looked at Phil and smiled.

For a moment their gaze was unbreakable and neither wanted to look away. When the gaze broke they both laughed even though there was nothing particularly funny about that moment. It just felt natural.

Dan and Phil continued talking, firstly about the movie then moving on to seemingly random things like music. “You like muse? I like muse!” Dan had said and Phil found it strangely endearing. From music they moved on to games, and though Dan seemed to be a serious gamer talking about Guild Wars II, he also played Mario Kart and Pokemon just like Phil did. They even spoke about the way they liked their ribena, which in retrospect was strange but in the moment Phil felt like he was talking to his best friend. 

Phil definitely did not expect to have a conversation like this with one of the stars of the movie today, but he was glad he got to. However, their conversation was soon interrupted by the static coming from the microphone on the main stage.

“Thank you everyone for coming to the pre-party! Unfortunately, we have to wrap this party up, but you still have the BAFTAs to look forward to and if we win then you get a post party too, so don’t worry,” a loud cheer came from the audience. “We would greatly appreciate it if everyone could kindly make their way home soon, and we will see you at the BAFTAs!”

Phil looked at Dan who looked slightly sad. Dan had said he was an introvert and preferred to stay home to play games, surely he would be happy to go home? But Phil realised he was a little sad too, even though he also liked being home, he did not expect himself to enjoy his last hour at the party so much that it made it hard to leave. 

“So I’ll see you at BAFTAs then?” Dan said, breaking Phil’s train of thoughts. 

“Probably not. We weren’t nominated for Best Editing and there is a limit to how many people from the film can formally attend.”

“Oh.” Dan seemed disappointed, and Phil had to admit he was too. He was relieved when he was told he didn’t have to go to the BAFTAs, but now knowing that it might be his last chance to catch up with Dan he felt the wave of disappointment rush over him.

“I’m sorry.” Phil said, which was strange out of context but he knew what Dan was feeling.

“Are you here alone?” Dan asked under his breath.

Luckily the music had stopped and Phil could hear Dan more clearly. “Yeah, why?”

“Maybe we could go back to my place,” Dan heard himself and suddenly blushed. “I mean like to just talk or play some games? I’m a night owl and I was going to play by myself anyway.”

“It’s cool,” Phil laughed at how nervous Dan looked. “I’m a night owl too and that sounds like a great idea.”

“Hand me your phone.” Dan said, placing his palm facing up.

“Uhh, okay. Why?” Phil did as he was asked.

Dan tapped on the phone for awhile and handed it back.

“That’s my personal number. I have to go say bye to my manager and some other people. I don’t want to lose you in the crowd. Stay here and call me if I’m not back in 15?”

“Yeah okay.” This time it was Phil’s turn to blush.

Dan quickly walked off and approached a large crowd of people confidently. As he walked off he left behind a lingering air of charisma and Phil thought this boy definitely belonged in this world of glamour and glitz. They were so different yet Phil stood here waiting to go home with him and had his number in his phone.

Phil looked down at his phone and the contact name _:DAN_ and smiled at how the colon made an emoticon. It seemed like such a Dan thing to do, but not a Daniel Howell thing. Phil found himself fascinated by this man he had only known for an hour and the man on the screen he had known for months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is my first chaptered fic ever! Thank you for taking the time to read it, and please let me know if you have any thoughts on it. You can find me on tumblr @amazingphiw


	2. Chapter 2

The car ride to Dan’s place felt really normal. Dan was the one who drove as Phil found it unnecessary to have a car in London, but he conceded that it was necessary when you were famous. They talked and laughed throughout the journey and for once Phil did not feel drained from the social interaction.

Reality set in when Dan drove into his apartment building and started parking the car. It felt completely surreal. Was Phil really going home with a movie star after a party? This must be a dream.

“You alright there?” Dan asked fondly.

“What? Oh.. yeah I’m good.”

“Well stop staring into space now, we’re here.” Dan stepped out of the car and Phil followed suit.

“Keep your expectations low mate, this isn’t going to be one of those fancy hollywood houses you see on TV.” Dan said as they headed up to his apartment door.

Dan opened the door and signalled to Phil to head inside. It really was a simple apartment, but Phil noted the luxury items in the apartment that easily indicated the success Dan has had in his career.

Dan led Phil into his lounge where all the video game consoles were, and Phil was overwhelmed. The first thing he noticed were the floor length windows that Phil had always wanted, followed by the giant television, then the shelf below that that neatly stored a wide variety of consoles. This was basically Phil’s dream home. He could stay in here forever.

“You really have to stop staring into space like that,” Dan said, snapping Phil out of his daze.

“Sorry, you just have a really nice apartment.”

“Thanks, I like it too.” Dan smiled shyly then asked, “so what do you want to play?”

“Oh do you have bubble bobble?”

“What? Nah mate I’m too young for that.”

“Right, that’s true.” Phil was slightly embarrassed. He had forgotten that Dan was more than 4 years younger than himself.

“We could just play Mario Kart? Seems like the best two player game for new friends.”

_ Friends _ ? Did Dan just refer to Phil as a  _ friend? _ How did Phil go from being strangers to maybe colleagues to  _ friends _ with Daniel Howell in just one night?

“Yeah, alright.” Phil stood awkwardly watching Dan set up the console.

Dan glanced back at him, “you can take a seat on the sofa if you want. Make yourself comfortable, I won’t bite.”

“Okay,” Phil said taking a seat. “It’s just sometimes I remember that you’re Daniel Howell, and I forget how to behave normally.”

Upon hearing that, Dan turned to Phil and laughed louder than Phil had ever heard before. The booming sound of laughter made Phil’s heart flutter just a little.

“You flatter me, Phil. I’m just Dan, nothing to shout about.”

He was right, Phil thought. He was just hanging out with his new friend Dan, everything was fine.

Dan joined Phil on the couch and handed him one of the joycons.

“Aww man, your joycons are black?”

“Yeah, it matches my aesthetic,” Dan said gesturing to the black furniture and decorations in the lounge. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I like to have the blue one,” Phil said sheepishly, noticing how much he sounded like a child.

Phil expected Dan to laugh at him or make a joke, instead Dan just smiled and said, “I’ll get a blue one for you next time, yeah?”

“Thanks Dan,” he smiled at the thought of  _ next time. _

“Rainbow Road?”

“Bring it on mate.”

Phil had never been particularly good at Rainbow Road so it didn’t surprise him when he lost the first round. What did surprise him was how he seemed to lose to Dan every single round after. It didn’t matter if he got 12th or 2nd Phil had gamer rage everytime he realised Dan cruised by in 1st place again.

“How are you doing that?” Phil asked exasperated, trying to bite the joycon in a playful manner.

“I’m just that good.” Dan said smugly.

“Last round, come on last round.” Phil said after noticing on his phone that it was close to 4am. He really should be getting home soon, but he wanted to win at least once.

Unsurprisingly, Dan won 1st place again and although Phil was in 2nd place it was not a close fight.

“Arrrggghhhhh,” Phil grunted in exasperation.

Dan pointed at him mockingly and laughed so hard he fell backwards, leaning completely into the sofa. Seeing this mockery, Phil shoved Dan from the side but it didn’t help to stop Dan’s laughter.

“I hate you, Dan,” Phil said punching Dan’s shoulder.

Dan grabbed one of Phil’s fists to stop the punching, looked him right in the eye and said, “you hate me huh?”

Phil's heart started beating faster than it did during the intense competition they just had. The pounding was so loud he heard it ringing in his ears which started to feel hot. Phil didn’t need a mirror to know that he was turning bright red. “Yeah,” he said, his voice coming out smaller than he expected.

“Okay, you can pick a game you’re good at then,” Dan said without letting go of Phil’s hand.

“It’s almost morning, Dan,” Phil said quietly. He didn’t want to overstay his welcome.

“Oh,” disappointment filled Dan’s face as he slowly moved his hand away from Phil’s. “You need to head home? Yeah that makes sense, it’s getting late.”

Seeing the disappointment in Dan’s face and hearing it in his voice tugged at Phil’s heart. As if when Dan let go of his hand he had immediately grabbed Phil’s heart strings. Why couldn’t Phil find it in him to pull away from this man he had only just met?

“Don’t you want me to?” Phil asked.

“That’s not what I want.”

“What do you want?”

Phil didn’t even have time to blink before he found Dan’s lips on his, tender and soft. He realised that though he did not admit it to himself, this was what Phil wanted too. With his eyes closed, he placed his hand gently on Dan’s cheek and deepened the kiss.

Phil pushed Dan down so that he was lying on the sofa, carefully cradling the back of his head to make sure Dan didn’t get hurt. Dan stretched his neck reaching upwards for his lips to meet Phil’s again. They kissed in perfect harmony with each other like a well rehearsed tango, like they’ve done this a million times before. Dan moved his hands around Phil’s back and bit down gently on Phil’s lips then pulled it with his teeth. Phil let out a soft moan which caused Dan to giggle.

“Stop that,” Phil chided, slapping Dan’s chest lightly.

Dan laughed again, “sorry, this wasn't how I expected my night to go.”

“Same here.”

“I know you probably won’t believe me but I don’t always rush in like this. It seems like only 20 seconds ago when you came over to say hello.”

“I don’t think of you that way, Dan, and this isn’t all I want from you. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with you.”

“So do you still need to go home?” Dan asked.

“Well, I do have to water my plants. They’re on a very strict watering schedule and they’ve been waiting for me to get home,” Phil joked. “You know what they say, plants before attractive young movie stars.”

“Shut up dork,” Dan laughed.

“There’s no place I’d rather be than right here right now.”

Dan pulled Phil closer, gave him a peck and whispered, “how about my room?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Phil smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this chapter! You can find me on tumblr @amazingphiw


	3. Chapter 3

Phil opened his eyes and was briefly confused by his surroundings until the memories of the previous night slowly came back to him. He felt the warmth of someone’s arms around his waist and slowly turned over where he saw Dan still peacefully asleep. How did Phil manage to wake up but still be in an unbelievable dream?

He snuggled in closer to Dan’s chest and sighed. He wanted to savour every moment of this.

Dan pressed his lips to the top of Phil’s head and said in a low whisper, “you awake?”

“Yeah, did I wake you up?”

“Yes but it’s my pleasure to be woken up by you,” Dan said teasingly. “What time is it?”

Phil grabbed his phone at the side of the bed. “Oh shit,” he said. “Shit shit shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s almost 2pm and I was supposed to have lunch with a friend at 12,” Phil said showing Dan the 17 missed calls he had received.

“Damn how did we sleep in so late?”

“Because we decided to have sex at 5am, Dan. That’s how.” Phil said, slightly panicking.

“Are you mad?”

“No, no. I just need to make a phone call if you don’t mind?”

“Yeah ok, I’ll go take a shower and leave you alone.” Dan said as he got out of bed.

As soon as Dan had left the room Phil started to make the phone call. After a few rings, he heard, “what the fuck, Phil?”

“Peej I’m so sorry,” he quietly facepalmed himself.

“You’re 2 hours late, Phil. Where have you been?”

“I uhh overslept.”

“I called you like 20 times. Didn’t you at least hear your phone ring once?”

“I’m sorry, I think it was on silent? I know it’s not a good excuse but I, um, had a lot to drink at the party last night. It was a long night, Peej,” Phil said grinning. It had been a long night.

“Did something happen?” PJ asked with concern.

“Maybe, I don’t know. It’s nothing, or something, or I don’t know.” Phil shook his head.

“Tell me everything.”

“Not now, Peej. I’ll meet you soon alright?”

“Yeah okay, you better not ditch me again you jerk.” PJ joked.

Phil laughed, “I’ll text you when I can, Peej. Sorry!”

Phil hung up the phone, laid back down on the bed and thought back to the events of the previous night. This was going to be hard to explain.

Dan came back into the room soon enough, “everything okay?” He asked upon seeing Phil lying face down on the bed.

“Yeah, I’ll just rearrange with Peej,” Phil turned around to look at Dan. “What do you want to do now?”

“You’re not sick of me yet?” Dan said with a low chuckle. Phil thought he was making a joke, but there was something about Dan’s facial expression that he couldn’t quite figure out.

“Not if you aren’t of me,” Phil said. “We have been literally inseparable since we met.” Which was true, Phil thought, even if it was less than a day ago.

Dan threw his head back and laughed loudly, which made Phil smile. He could get used to this.

“I’m not sick of you for now,” Dan teased. “Do you want to order some food for lunch and maybe watch netflix?”

“Lunch? What about breakfast!” 

“It’s 2 o’clock, Phil. It’s lunchtime.”

“No, we just woke up. It’s breakfast time!”

Dan smiled and shook his head, “fine, whatever you want. Is cereal okay? I think that’s all I have for breakfast.”

“What kind?” Phil asked cautiously, worried that Dan would only have healthy cereal as he needed to maintain his figure for his job.

“I bought Crunchy Nut last week.” Dan said, and Phil was absolutely elated.

“Great! Let’s go now!” Phil jumped off the bed and started walking out of Dan’s room.

Dan’s apartment was confusing, with three levels and many strange hallways, Phil had no idea where to go after stepping out of the room. He barely remembered where the lounge was as he was distracted when they made their way from the lounge to the bedroom last night.

“Come on, this way,” Dan grabbed Phil’s hand and led him towards the kitchen

Phil felt a little shy suddenly, like a teenager with his crush for the first time, but it was ridiculous since they had already done so much more than hold hands. Walking down an unfamiliar hallway holding hands, Phil couldn’t help but feel like this was the way things were meant to be. This was where he belonged with Dan. Maybe he had been alone for too long for surely this was not the way a person should feel towards someone they met less than 24 hours ago.

Dan’s kitchen was spacious but sparse. Except for a kettle and a microwave, there didn’t seem to be anything else on the kitchen top.

“Your kitchen is really clean,” Phil said, trying not to ask why the kitchen was so empty.

“Yeah, it’s because I don’t use it,” Dan answered, seeming to understand what Phil was really trying to ask. “I don’t really know how to cook and I’m almost never home when I have ongoing projects.”

“It’s nice though.”

“Thanks. You want some tea?”

“Oh do you have coffee?” Phil asked. He could barely function normally without a few cups of coffee on a normal day, he definitely needed one after the whirlwind night he had.

“Yeah, what cup do you want?” Dan opened one of the cupboards to reveal a wide array of cups ranging from novelty gift shop mugs to anime merchandise cups.

Phil giggled at the sight of this.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, “come and choose a cup you spork.”

Phil stopped his giggling and asked, “you barely have anything on your kitchen counter but you were hoarding a hundred cups in your cupboard?”

“Yeah I guess it’s a little weird, huh?” Dan said slightly embarrassed. “I buy a few everytime I travel for filming. They make me laugh,” he pulled out a mug and handed it to Phil. “You can have this one. It always makes me laugh.”

Phil took the mug and turned it over to look at the design. It was white with small black polka dots and on the side it read “ _ World’s Best Daddy Guaranteed”. _ Phil rolled his eyes and playfully slapped Dan’s shoulder, “you’re the worst.”

Dan laughed and took a unicorn shaped mug for himself. They prepared breakfast together then proceeded to the lounge to eat.

“What do you want to watch?” Dan asked, making himself comfortable on the sofa.

Phil sat a little too close to Dan that it was difficult to eat the cereal. “I saw you have some anime mugs. Any anime to recommend?”

“You want to watch anime?” Dan laughed. “For someone who makes films I thought you would have a slightly more pretentious taste in what you watch.”

“Hey! Anime is top quality storytelling,” Phil defended himself. “Though I haven’t had the chance to watch many recently, so you can show me your favourite if you’d like?”

“This one then,” Dan said selecting it from his smart TV. “No spoilers, just watch.”

The theme music started to play from the TV and Phil smiled then shuffled closer to Dan on the sofa. As the episode went on and they had finished and set aside their breakfast, Dan and Phil slipped into a comfortable position on the sofa. They sat shoulder to shoulder and Dan had both his hands on Phil’s left hand. He wasn’t really paying attention to the anime, neither of them were. They sat in a comfortable silence as Dan absentmindedly moved his two thumbs around Phil’s hand. 

There was something weirdly comforting about it, Phil thought. It wasn’t like they were just friends hanging out and neither was it as if there was sexual tension filling the room. It was just the two of them enjoying each other’s touch, each other’s presence and everything felt like it was just  _ right. _

The episode ended and Phil sighed. He had to say something he really didn’t want to say.

“I have to go home, Dan,” Phil mumbled quietly, hoping Dan wouldn’t hear him.

“Why?” Dan asked, looking genuinely confused.

Phil shook his head and smiled fondly. “Look at me Dan,” he pointed directly to his crumpled white shirt and dress pants. “I’m still wearing my clothes from the party and I haven’t had a chance to bathe since, you know…” Phil raised an eyebrow at Dan. “I look, smell, and feel awful.”

“You look, smell, and feel great,” Dan held Phil’s hands just a little too tight. “You can take a shower here and change into my clothes if you’d like.”

Phil sighed. He really wanted to.

“You know I have to go home eventually, Dan. I can’t just move in with you right now.” Phil chuckled.

“You could if you wanted to,” Dan whined but stood up and started clearing the dirty dishes from the lounge. “Go grab your stuff from the room. I’ll just put these in the dishwasher.”

Phil made his own way back to Dan’s room, the hallways slowly becoming more familiar to him. He looked around the room and picked up his suit jacket that was carelessly thrown on the floor, then walked over to the bedside table where his wallets and keys were. 

The last 24 hours had been eventful, to say the least, and Phil was tired. He flopped down on to Dan’s bed and closed his eyes. Just laying on the bed Phil could feel the warmth and comfort that he had felt radiating from Dan. He was tired and he wanted to get home to his safe space for some alone time, but he also really  _ really  _ didn’t want that.

“You really like my bed, don’t you?” Dan said as he entered the room.

“It’s big and comfortable,”  _ and smells like you, _ Phil thought.

“Come on you dork, time to go.”

Phil placed his wallet and keys in his pockets and held his suit jacket in his arms. “Let’s go.”

As Dan walked him to the front door, Phil reached down to hold his hands and they walked happily in silence for that minute.

“Should I drive you home?” Dan asked as they arrived at the door.

“No, I’ll just walk to the nearest tube station.”

“Okay, it isn’t too far away.”

Phil stood at the doorway staring at Dan, unsure of what to do or say.

“Bye Phil,” Dan started.

“Bye Dan.”

His legs didn’t want to move, but he forced his body to turn away. Phil didn’t hear the door close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: @amazingphiw


	4. Chapter 4

Quiet.

That was all Phil felt when he finally returned to his own apartment. An odd stillness filled the atmosphere, and the silence was deafening. He hadn’t thought of his apartment as an empty one before. It had always been his safe space, somewhere he felt comfortable in and always wanted to return to. Today, all he felt was a yearning to return to Dan.

It was  _ stupid _ , Phil told himself. They had only known each other for a day and there was no reason for Phil to miss him. It was strictly a physical attraction, and before they met Phil had already found it difficult to not stare at Dan whenever he came on screen. Dan is a movie star and ridiculously attractive, so of course Phil wanted to be with him all the time. That was the only reason Phil couldn’t stop thinking about Dan.

Besides, Phil thought, they had been able to talk and hang out and Dan considered them friends. Friends can miss each other right?  Phil shook his head at his own thoughts and decided that he needed a hot shower. Just a moment to relax and clear his mind.

He stepped out of the shower, put on a new set of clothes, and grabbed his phone from the bed. He had received a text from PJ.

> **PJ:** you said you would text me asap 5 hours ago

> **Phil:** sorry!! I was preoccupied and I only just got home
> 
> **PJ:** weren’t you home when I called? how much is there that you’re not telling me?

Phil winced. He slipped up.

> **Phil:** you want to come over for drinks and pizza?

He wanted to change the subject but he also really wanted to talk to someone about this new situation that he found himself in.

> **PJ:** be there in an hour!!

From the text Phil could tell that PJ was excited to hear from him, but he had no idea what he had to say or what he was even feeling at this moment.

Phil tapped at his phone for awhile trying to distract himself when he remembered the new contact that he had with the emoticon  _ :DAN _ . Friends could text each other right?

> **Phil:** hiya :)

For the first minute, Phil waited calmly but he waited anxiously for the next two minutes.

> **Dan:** who is this? how did you get this number?

Phil felt a hairline fracture form in his heart. It didn’t break or shatter but it really did  _ hurt _ . He didn’t know what he expected Dan’s reply to be but he certainly did not expect it to be so cold and unfamiliar. 

> **Phil:** uhm, it’s phil?

He texted back feeling a little unsure, but thankfully the reply came much faster this time.

> **Dan:** omg sorry i thought you were a fan that got my number
> 
> **Dan:** i don’t get texts from unsaved numbers often
> 
> **Dan:** i’m glad you texted though :p

Phil let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. How could he have forgotten that he didn’t give Dan his number?

> **Phil:** oops sorry forgot you were a big movie star
> 
> **Dan:** fuck off
> 
> **Dan:** you’re annoying but i hope you got home safe

With that message Phil’s heart melted and all the damage that his heart had sustained before this just went away. He felt warm, happy, and oh so  _ stupid _ . This was not how people should feel when they receive a friendly message from a concerned friend. Someone they’ve only met once and only a day ago. Get a grip, he thought to himself, unable to wipe the smile off his face.

> **Phil:** yeah i did :)
> 
> **Phil:** took a well needed shower too
> 
> **Dan:** tell me more about this shower ;)
> 
> **Phil:** don’t be such a perv!!

Phil blushed even though there was no reason to be embarrassed or shy, but there was no one around to see him gush over the texts so he indulged himself for a little while. They continued texting each other with a mix of flirting and friendship keeping Phil’s heart fluttering and his face in a permanent wide smile.

Sooner than he would have liked, Phil’s texting session was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell and a notification on the top of his phone that said “ **PJ:** I’m here”. How had he spent almost an hour just texting Dan?

> **Phil:** ttyl i have a friend coming over
> 
> **Dan:** wow you invited someone over so soon after you left me?

Phil started getting anxious, bit his lip, and wanted to quickly assure Dan, but was interrupted by his next text.

> **Dan:** jk have fun!!

He read the text and felt relieved even though there was nothing wrong with having friends over.

Suddenly aware of his delayed reaction, Phil jumped out of his bed and headed to the door to let PJ in.

“You sure took your time,” PJ said smiling at the sight of a flustered looking Phil.

“Sorry, I was distracted.”

“Seriously, what is up recently?” PJ asked, even more intrigued.

“Come in first,” Phil said and stepped aside to let PJ in.

They walked together towards the living room and Phil asked, “Do you need any drinks? Should we order pizza maybe? There’s a new pizza shop nearby. I got their brochure in the mail last week.”

“Cut the bullshit, Phil. We both know why I’m here.”

Phil sighed, “I don’t know how to start.”

“Where were you last night?” PJ prompted.

“I went home with someone…” Phil admitted reluctantly.

“After the party? With who?”

PJ was a friend that Phil made in film school and though they were both good at their jobs, PJ’s more outgoing personality meant that he had more friends and opportunities in the industry. When Phil wanted to move towards the mainstream industry it was PJ who helped him secure the interviews, and though his skills proved him to be capable, he was never as popular as PJ was. This also meant that PJ  _ knew _ people in the industry, and although most people already knew Dan from his onscreen work, Phil was afraid of what PJ would say about the events that had occured between them.

“I went home with Dan.” Phil said shyly.

“Who’s Dan?”

Phil smiled, remembering how odd it had been when Daniel Howell said he could call him Dan.

“Daniel Howell? He’s in movies sometimes.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.” PJ said seriously which scared Phil a little.

“What’s wrong?”

“Please, Phil. Please tell me you’re joking.” 

“What if I’m not?” Phil asked increasingly worried at the direction the conversation was heading.

“Did you sleep with him?” PJ asked bluntly.

“Yeah…”

“God, I didn’t think this would happen to you,” PJ shook his head. “If I had known I would’ve warned you, but I just didn’t think it would happen.”

“You’re scaring me, PJ. Just tell me what’s wrong?”

“This is what he does, Phil.”

“Who and what?”

“Your  _ Dan _ ,” PJ said rolling his eyes. “He has a reputation for sleeping with people in the industry to get what he wants. He uses his pretty face to get people to do things for him. That’s why he has had so many opportunities just handed to him.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Phil said even though he doubted himself. He really didn’t know Dan that well did he?

“Just because it’s not publicized in the media doesn’t mean it isn’t true, Phil,” PJ said sighing.

“But I have nothing of worth to offer him. I’m just Phil, and I was the one who approached him first.”

“What did he say to you to get you to go home with him?”

“It’s not like he seduced me, PJ. He said he liked my work and followed my social media so he knew who I was and he wanted to be in a movie…” Phil paused, a sudden realization hitting him. He was so  _ stupid _ . He sighed and continued, “he wanted to be in a movie edited by me.”

“There we go,” PJ said. “I’ve heard of actors going for movies by certain producers or directors, but editors? You know how ridiculous that is right?”

“You’re right. Oh god, you’re right,” Phil said on the verge of tears. He had felt such a genuine connection with Dan last night. Could everything really have been a lie?

“We’ll order pizza,” PJ said in an attempt to lighten the situation.

They ate together and caught up with each other like they had originally planned to do, but it was obvious to both parties that Phil needed time alone to think. 

After 2 hours together, PJ said, “I’ll make a move first. Call me if you need to talk about…” he hesitated.

“I will.”

As soon as PJ left, Phil picked up his phone again. Unexpectedly, he had 3 messages from Dan left unread. This was going to make it hard for Phil to think clearly.

> **Dan:** text me when you’re done?
> 
> **Dan:** i ordered the stupid blue joycons you wanted and paid for next day delivery lol
> 
> **Dan:** this means you can come over tomorrow btw

Phil shook his head and sighed.

> **Phil:** sounds good :p
> 
> **Dan:** bring an overnight bag ;)

He was so  _ stupid. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops it's starting to get tense! find me on tumblr: @amazingphiw


	5. Chapter 5

Phil knew what he was agreeing to when he showed up at Dan’s apartment the next day with a bag full of clothes and toiletries. The conversation he had with PJ last night still swirled around in his mind, unwilling to leave him alone. He barely slept a wink last night.

“You’re early,” Dan said as he opened the door, smiling so wide that his dimple made an early appearance as well. He was wearing his iconic black ripped jeans and an oversized black furry jumper that made him look like a teddy bear. Along with the perfect curls on his head, this was the iconic Daniel Howell look that has everyone swooning over him. Phil hated to admit it but he was swooning too.

“You look nice today,” Phil said trying not to make eye contact while he made his way into Dan’s apartment.

“Thanks,” Dan seemed embarrassed. “It’s silly, I just had to meet some people before you came over. It’s not as if I look like this when I’m home alone…” Dan hesitated, “or that I dressed up to see you.”

Phil wasn’t sure if the last part was true and it made him smile.

“Should we change into something more comfortable?” Dan asked as he took Phil’s overnight bag and headed to the bedroom.

Phil felt himself choke on the air he was breathing and panicked, “You want to do it right now?” He didn’t know what he thought about their dynamic yet and he definitely did not feel ready for things to move this fast again.

Dan stared at him confused before bursting out into laughter. “I didn’t mean it that way you giant spork!” Dan’s laughter continued before he added, “I just didn’t want to be wearing jeans at home all day, and I assumed you didn’t want to either.” He cleared his throat and regained some composure before asking again, “Do you want to change into shorts, Philip?”

“Yeah…” Phil said sheepishly, embarrassed that he misunderstood what Dan was asking.

It was easier and faster for both of them to change into shorts in Dan’s room but Phil still felt oddly embarrassed and exposed. Though his thoughts quickly shifted when he caught a glance of Dan changing in another corner of the room, and as Dan slipped out of his jeans, Phil felt a familiar stirring in his.

“Good to know you’re happy to see me,” Dan said cheekily after catching Phil staring at him.

“I am,” Phil said, deciding that he no longer wanted to censor his thoughts with Dan. He was happy to see Dan irregardless of everything he had been told by PJ. Phil doubted how much he really knew Dan, but he also doubted how much PJ really knew Dan. The warmth and joy he had felt from just spending a day with Dan was not something Phil could easily forget or ignore and he didn’t want to lose this so soon.

Dan sat on his bed as soon as he was done changing and said, “Could we just sit here for a moment?” He opened his arms to invite Phil on to the bed with him to cuddle.

Phil crawled into bed with Dan and instantly felt safe. This didn’t feel like someone who was just using him. Dan closed his arms around Phil and Phil snuggled in closer. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, allowing himself to simply enjoy the moment.

“It’s stupid but I missed you,” Dan said, breaking the comfortable silence.

“It’s not stupid,” Phil replied even though he had also felt stupid when he missed Dan, but knowing Dan missed him too made him feel a little less stupid. After a few moments, Phil asked,“Do you know what they say about you?” He felt scared but didn't want to continue whatever they had till he was sure of Dan’s intentions.

Phil didn’t hear Dan sigh but he felt it with the slow rise and fall of Dan’s chest.

“They say a lot of things about me.”

“I’ve heard some things.”

“I’m sure you have,” Dan said as he pulled Phil in closer and planted a kiss on his forehead, almost as if he was afraid Phil would run away.

“Do you want to know?” Phil asked wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist to assure him that he wasn’t going anywhere.

“No, and I won’t say they’re wrong or they’re right. Just please let me be with you for a little longer, and you can decide for yourself. Let me be Dan and you can be Phil and we don’t have to care what people are saying about Daniel Howell.” Dan sighed audibly this time and added, “He’s not me.”

“Okay,” Phil said, and he felt sadder that he had expected to feel today. He thought they would argue and Dan would tell him everything was a lie, or Dan would admit that he was just using him. He thought he would feel angry. Never in his wildest dreams did he expect to be lying in bed in Dan’s arms and feeling more connected to him than before even though so few words were spoken between them.

Silence fell between them and Phil let himself relax. His mind was finally quiet and he fell asleep in Dan’s arms, making up for the lost time from last night.

He was gently woken up by kisses on his cheek that were wet and slightly ticklish. 

“Stop,” Phil giggled.

“Okay, I’ll stop.” Dan laughed and moved away from Phil.

“Wait, I take it back. Don’t stop.” Phil said, reaching out to pull Dan back in.

“Stop trying to get me back into bed you dork. I didn’t invite you over to take a nap,” Dan teased.

“Damn, I forgot to take out my contacts again,” Phil said recalling the last time he slept in Dan’s bed.

“You wear contacts?”

“Yeah, you’ll see the real me as soon as I remove them,” Phil said as he took his bag and headed into Dan’s bathroom.

He stepped out of the bathroom looking like a mess, with his uncombed bed head and his clunky glasses matched with a casual top and shorts.

“This is the real you huh?” Dan asked, looking at him from head to toe.

“Yeah,” Phil was self-conscious as he suddenly realised how ridiculously attractive Dan was and how lucky he was to get his attention.

“Good,” Dan said as he walked over to Phil and held his waist. “I hope I get to see the real you all the time,” he gave Phil a quick peck and smiled.

Phil could no longer deny that he was absolutely swooning. If this really was a mistake, it was the best mistake he’s ever made.

They headed out to the lounge to play the games Dan had promised Phil they would over text last night. 

“Damn,” Dan said while looking at his phone on the couch. “Did you know next day delivery isn’t really next day if you ordered after working hours?”

“I did know that,” Phil laughed. “Does that mean I have to play with your black joycon again?”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. You’ll still be here tomorrow anyway,” Dan smirked at Phil.

Phil shoved Dan’s shoulder playfully, teasing him even though he was absolutely right.

Just before they settled on a game, Dan’s phone started buzzing. “Give me a sec,” he said as his eyebrows furrowed and he quickly left the room.

From the lounge, Phil could only hear Dan say “mmhmm” and “yes I know” over and over again.

When Dan returned to the lounge Phil was filled with concern, but Dan walked in with a smile on his face even though his shoulders were tense and his eyes were a little redder than before. Dan continued on discussing games with Phil and outwardly flirting but Phil could sense that something was wrong.

“Who called?” he asked, unable to stop himself.

Dan’s face dropped for a second before he picked up his smile again. “Just my manager, it’s fine.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

“Do you want to help?"  


“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You know what people say about me,” Dan shook his head and laughed. It was a sad, self-pitying laugh. “I’m not asking you to help me.”

“I’m willing to help if I can,” Phil said suddenly aware that he would do anything to stop feeling the frustration that was radiating off of Dan.

Dan considered it for a moment then asked, “Do you want to go to the BAFTAs with me?”

“Is that it?” Phil wondered as he thought it would be something bigger. “Of course I will. I have nothing else scheduled that day anyway.”

“Thanks,” Dan said a little softly. “It’ll be a little harder than you think it is going to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“Being seen with me in public like that,” Dan continued. “It can cause problems. You can back out if you want to, because you really don’t have to do this and I don’t expect you to.”

“You need a date? You’ve got a date,” Phil said with determination. “I’m not backing out.”

“Nobody said it was a date you doofus.” Dan rolled his eyes fondly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments! I really appreciate them all and it makes me motivated to post more often :) come find me on tumblr @amazingphiw!


	6. Chapter 6

“Wake up! We gotta get ready,” Dan said shaking Phil.

Phil woke up bleary eyed and fumbled around the side table looking for his glasses. This was the 7th day in a row that Phil had woken up in Dan’s bed. His overnight bag had to last him a little longer than expected but he found it hard to protest when Dan pulled him into the bedroom each night.

“It’s only 8.30 in the morning. Why do we have to get up now?” Phil asked as he scrolled through his phone yawning.

“The stylist is getting here at 9 and we have to look at least slightly decent,” Dan raised an eyebrow at Phil’s quiff and then back down at his bare chest.

“I thought you liked the way I look,” Phil teased. “Anyway, doesn’t the BAFTAs start at 9pm or something? Why is she coming at 9am?”

“Red carpet starts at 4.30.”

“Ok…” Phil was still confused, “And we need 7 hours to get dressed?”

“Yup,” Dan said nonchalantly, and he was absolutely right. 

Phil had only expected one person to come and help them with their outfits, but a team of people soon started pouring into Dan’s apartment. As soon as they arrived, everything started moving at lightspeed.

Firstly, Dan’s hair needed to be curled into the perfect Daniel Howell Curls, which felt strange to Phil because his curls had already been perfect. While the team worked on that, two women ventured towards Phil and started to discuss his appearance out loud. Now, Phil knew that he looked like a mess with his glasses, puffy eyes, and hair that was straight yet kind of curly at the back, but he couldn’t help but be slightly offended when they said that he needed a lot of help.

“I could get myself ready if that would be better?” Phil asked the women but looked over at Dan.

“No you can’t,” Dan said while sat comfortably in a chair scrolling on his phone as five people took turns to work on him. 

It was clear that this was something he was used to, being told what to do and how to look by a group of strangers yet somehow Dan was clearly the man in charge. This was the transformation from the soft, giggly Dan to the strong, confident Daniel Howell, and Phil was glad he got to see both. On the other hand, Phil was uncomfortable with the number of times his face and hair had to be touched by strangers, and how they spoke of his appearance like he wasn’t there.

Time passed quickly and soon they were on a car on the way to the BAFTAs and dressed to the nines. Phil looked over at Dan and smiled, wondering how they managed to get his curls so perfectly bouncy. Maybe those 7 hours of constant fretting had been worth it after all.

“Why are you smiling like an idiot?” Dan asked after he caught Phil staring.

“You look pretty.”

Dan blushed but rolled his eyes. “Thanks,” he said and planted a quick peck on Phil’s lips. “Oh, we can’t do that later.”

“We can’t?”

“No,” he sighed, “I know it’s weird and you’re my date but we have to keep it professional.”

Phil knew what he meant. They both worked on the same movie that Dan was nominated for and this was a professional event. He had to keep his hands off Dan for a night.

“I thought this wasn’t a date?”

“It’s not.” Dan said as he brought his lips to Phil’s one last time while the car pulled up to the red carpet.

Dan stepped out of the car first and waited for Phil to stand by his side before walking down the red carpet together. The screams were deafening and Phil was slightly taken aback, but Dan quickly gave him a reassuring smile. Phil felt oddly self conscious even though he knew none of the screams or the attention was on him.

They eventually arrived at the end of the red carpet where there was a backdrop for pictures to be taken. He walked towards the middle with Dan and for the first time he noticed how perfectly synchronised their outfits had been. Dan wore a white suit with a black shirt, which made him stand out against the crowd. While Phil was the opposite, wearing a black suit with a white shirt but his jacket and shoes had gold details which brought a brightness to his outfit that complemented Dan.

“Over here!”

“Look here!”

“Daniel! Daniel!”

Bright lights flashed directly into their eyes yet Dan smiled wider and brighter than Phil had ever seen and quickly changed his pose and angles for the photographers. Phil stood at the side trying to catch up.

After a minute or two, a familiar woman with a clipboard walked over and grabbed Phil by the shoulder to pull him aside.

“Wait, what’s happening?” He asked trying to protest.

“The press wants pictures of Daniel alone. Your job is done,” she said. “I’ll show you to your seat.”

“I won’t be sitting with Dan?”

“No, of course not. He’ll finish the press walk and then sit at the front with the other nominees. You’ll sit at the back with the rest of the guests.” Then seeing the concern on Phil’s face she added, “I’m sure you’ll find each other after the whole thing is done.”

Phil followed the woman who he now realised was Dan’s manager to a seat far away from the stage and any cameras then waited for the show to begin. He was surrounded by other guests who looked equally uncomfortable, and wondered if Dan felt uncomfortable too.

Exactly at 9pm the whole theatre’s lights dimmed and the show began. Phil didn’t really pay attention until it was time for Dan’s category.

Dan didn’t win.

Phil’s throat felt tight.

He suddenly felt lost. Did Dan feel lost too?

It wasn’t that he thought Dan was surely going to win. In his head he knew this was a possibility, but he always imagined that he would be next to Dan holding his hand and comforting him. Imagining how alone Dan must feel right now left Phil with an emotion he could not describe. It just felt awful.

As the show continued Phil found it harder and harder to concentrate. His mind was filled with thoughts of Dan and how desperate he was to return to his side.

Phil was so distracted that he didn’t even notice when the show had ended, but the lights were turned back on and people started making a move. He quickly gathered his things and shuffled out of the theatre with the rest of the crowd.

The reception in the theatre had been particularly bad and as Phil finally stepped out, his first thought was to call Dan.

Three rings, and then the call dropped.

Maybe Dan was still occupied, he thought.

> **Phil:** hey i’m waiting outside the theatre

He waited for a reply anxiously, but it didn’t come.

> **Phil:** <3

He sent another text impatiently, uncomfortable with the silence he was receiving from Dan. It took a few more minutes but a reply finally came and Phil’s heart jumped out of his chest from the excitement mixed with anxiety.

> **Dan:** i’ve arranged for a car to take you home
> 
> **Dan:** thanks phil

Tears welled up in Phil’s eyes upon seeing the texts as he couldn’t seem to understand what was going on. He hadn’t expected to not see Dan again for the rest of the night. Especially not after they had just spent a whole week together.

A car pulled up by Phil’s side and the driver rolled down the window to ask, “Hey, are you Phil?”

Phil looked up and nodded then looked down back to his phone, still in shock. A single tear fell down on his screen with Dan’s reply burning into his eyes as he whispered under his breath, “Why?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! come scream at me on tumblr if you're mad/sad: @amazingphiw


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depression tw

In the last 3 days Phil had gone through his journey of the 5 stages of grief.

Denial as he continued to send texts to Dan in the middle of the night because he was so sure that Dan was just busy. Dan would reply when he had the time, wouldn’t he?

Anger when he received a text from PJ saying that he saw them at the BAFTAs, then asking if he had fallen victim to Dan. He wanted to scream at something, at someone. Scream that he was not a fucking victim, that everything was fine. Scream until he could drown out the silence in his mind.

Bargaining with his own mind, struggling to think of what he did wrong to make Dan shut him out completely. Maybe if had tried harder. Maybe if Dan had won. Maybe if Phil had never left his side without a word on the red carpet. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe then he would still be with Dan.

Depression came when he found himself sobbing into his pillow alone at night grasping the edges tighter and tighter with each sob. Hugging himself as he tried to sleep, trying to fill the desire of holding someone and being held at the same time.

Acceptance arrived on the third day when Phil woke up and checked his phone to see that there were no messages yet again. It was fine. What they had was never serious, and Dan could end it whenever he wanted to.

Except it wasn’t fine.

Now Phil is stood outside Dan’s apartment feeling all the emotions at once. In denial that this even happened, angry that Dan just disappeared without a word. Bargaining with himself that maybe if he knocked then Dan would appear and everything would go back to normal, depressed at the thought that he would run out of options if Dan doesn’t open the door. Ultimately, accepting whatever might happen because he was okay. He had grieved, but he would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try.

“Dan?” He asked accompanied with three hesitant knocks.

“Dan!” He shouted as his knocks got louder and more desperate.

“Please.” He pleaded as his knocks turned into punches.

He knocked until he became worried that the neighbours might complain, and just as Phil was about to give up, he heard the door knob turn. “Dan?” 

With his face peeking out of the thin black blanket over his head, Dan stood in his doorway with a confused expression. He stared straight at Phil and said nothing.

Phil wanted to shout at Dan all the questions he had over the last 3 days. He wanted to know  _ why _ . Why did you leave? Why didn’t you reply me? Why do I feel this way about you? But as he looked at Dan with his dark eye circles, chapped lips, and pale grey complexion, all he wanted to do was to hold him close.

“Why…” Phil muttered under his breath unable to find the words to continue.

Dan looked at him for another second then turned to walk back into his apartment, leaving the door open. Phil took this as an invitation to head inside and followed him in.

Once in the apartment, Dan walked slowly towards his bedroom not acknowledging Phil as he walked by his side. Dan crawled into his bed and laid down with his eyes opened. The air felt tense and Phil didn’t know how to break the tension, all he could do was stand by the bed looking at Dan as his mind drew a blank.

“I thought you were the pizza guy,” Dan said in a quiet voice but it still took Phil by surprise.

“Did you order pizza?” Phil asked hesitantly, trying to keep the conversation light.

“No.”

“Then why…” he asked before quickly getting cut off by Dan.

“I don’t know I just thought maybe I could get pizza.” Dan said with irritation.

“Do you want pizza?” Phil asked more confused than before.

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Domino’s?” 

“Yeah.” Dan sighed and went quiet again.

Phil walked over to one of Dan’s odd chairs in his room - this one was shaped like a butt - and took out his phone to order the pizza. Domino’s was a staple in their diet during the week they spent together in Dan’s apartment, and Phil didn’t need to ask Dan for his order. When he was done he looked back at Dan who hadn’t moved since and didn’t even take out his phone like he usually did. The anger and confusion Phil felt over the last 3 days quickly turned into worry and concern.

After an uncomfortably long period of silence, the doorbell rang. Phil looked over at Dan hoping that he would have some kind of reaction, but he remained under his duvet. Phil got up to get the door and when he returned with the pizza he was determined to make Dan get out of bed.

“Pizza’s here,” he announced while standing at the door of Dan’s bedroom.

Dan’s eyes flickered upwards to look at Phil. “I’ll be in the lounge,” Phil said as he walked away with the pizza hoping Dan would follow soon.

He sat alone in the lounge with an opened box of pizza for 15 minutes before he heard the shuffling of Dan’s slippers in the hallway. “It’s getting cold,” Phil said as Dan walked in and took a seat on the floor next to the coffee table. 

They both grabbed a slice of pizza and Phil started, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Dan shook his head lightly without looking up.

“Can I talk about it?” Phil asked as his voice trembled slightly.

Dan looked up and nodded.

“I’ve always tried,” Phil said sighing, “to be rational, practical, and realistic. I don’t expect my love affairs to last for long. Especially one that started like ours did,” he laughed, reminiscing. “We met at a party and I went home with you immediately after. It was a disaster waiting to happen wasn’t it? I never wanted to fool myself into thinking I could be with a movie star, and when I look at you, even more I couldn’t let myself believe that my dreams could come true.”

“Phil.”

“No it’s fine,” he said shaking his head. “Well maybe not that fine, but I’ll survive anyhow.”

Dan stood up to join Phil on the sofa, which made Phil smile.

“Everytime I tell myself that I don’t care, that I’m immune to gloom and I’m hard through and through. Then I think of you and the time we spent together no matter how short it was. It mattered to me. It still matters to me,” Phil chuckled but he felt the tears well up in his eyes. “And everytime it matters, all my reason and logic desert me and I allow myself to get hurt, and I always do.”

Dan moved closer to Phil on the sofa, “So what happens now?” he asked quietly as he rested his head on Phil’s shoulder.

A stray tear escaped from Phil’s right eye, “Tell me what went wrong, Dan.”

Dan closed his eyes before he started to speak. “Those events… they just drain me,” he explained. “I’m tired. I want to be alone. I want to sleep and cry and eat and puke and I feel everything and nothing all at once. It just sucks and I’m so tired, Phil. I’m so tired.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Nobody actually cares,” he sighed. “Do you know how many people in this business are depressed? A lot. I’m just another one, part of the statistic.”

“You’re wrong,” Phil said suddenly getting worked up. “You’re not just part of the crowd to me. You’re Dan.  _ My _ Dan.”

“When did I become  _ your  _ Dan,” Dan teased.

Phil laughed, “Are you feeling better now then?”

“No.”

“How can I help?”

“You already have.”

“Why aren’t you feeling better then?” Phil asked getting frustrated.

“That isn’t how this works.”

“Then tell me how it works.”

Dan stood up from the sofa abruptly. “Go home, Phil. I’m fine,” he said as he started to walk out of the lounge.

“You’re not fine,” Phil said trying to stop him.

Dan turned back to look at Phil and paused for a moment. “Wait for me till I am?”

“Okay,” Phil said unsure how to proceed as Dan walked back to his room and Phil heard the door close.

Phil picked up the half empty pizza box and placed it in the trash then left Dan’s apartment, understanding that Dan needed his own space for now. 

As he travelled home alone all he could think of was how much he wanted to be there for Dan even if he wasn’t fine. Because how could he possibly be fine when Dan wasn’t?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @amazingphiw


	8. Chapter 8

In the days following his visit to Dan’s apartment, Phil spent his time focused on the freelance editing job he picked up, trying to distract himself from constantly checking his phone. Every notification he got made his heart flutter and race but it was never the notification he was waiting for. He kept his phone right in front of his computer screen as he continued editing past midnight.

_*bzzt* (1) message from :DAN_

Phil felt all the muscles in his body awaken as he darted forward at light speed to grab his phone.

> **Dan:** hey. u up?

A grin started to form on Phil’s face. A part of him had thought he’d never hear from Dan again and somewhere deep down he feared that he might even resent Dan, but when he received the text he realised all his worries were unfounded.

> **Phil:** yeah, you feeling okay?
> 
> **Dan:** not okay, but better.
> 
> **Dan:** are you busy?

Phil looked up at his computer screen with the editing software still open. Using work as a distraction had meant that he was well ahead of schedule.

> **Phil:**  nope!
> 
> **Dan:** could you come over?
> 
> **Phil:** it’s almost 1am

Phil was confused as to why Dan would expect want him to go over so late, then added a cheeky follow up text.

> **Phil:** is this a booty call ;)
> 
> **Dan:** maybe ;)
> 
> **Dan:** (or maybe i just missed you i dunno)

Almost immediately Phil stood up from his chair and started to get dressed, unable to shake the smile off his face. His cheeks started to ache but it was a good kind of pain.

> **Phil:** overnight bag?

He quickly texted while already packing the bag, hoping for the answer he wanted.

> **Dan:** i said come over not sleep over sheesh (but yeah :p) 

 

*

 

It felt odd returning to Dan’s apartment. Although this visit felt more positive, Phil couldn’t shake the tension left behind from the previous visit.

“Hey you,” Dan said as he opened the door.

“Hey,” Phil replied, stepping into the apartment.

As the door closed behind him, Dan quickly turned to Phil and pulled him in for a tight embrace. Phil’s arms instinctively go to Dan’s back squeezing him tighter as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath, enjoying the moment.

The hug lingered for a little too long before Dan broke the silence, “Is this weird?”

“Mm hmm,” Phil mumbled but neither pulled away from the hug.

“I missed you,” Dan said in a soft and low voice.

Phil pulled away from the hug to look Dan in the eye and asked, “Are you still sad?”

Dan laughed and explained, “I’m not _sad_ , Phil. I’m depressed. It’s a different kind of sad.”

“So you are still sad?” Phil asked as they started to make their way from the doorway to Dan’s room.

“I’m always sad to be honest, but I don’t feel depressed anymore.”

“What changed?”

“I just woke up and realised I felt okay today, and okay was good enough.”

“Why did you wait till midnight to ask me to come over then?”

“I told you, I just woke up,” Dan said flopping back on to his bed.

By now Phil knew where to put his belongings as Dan had cleared out a drawer for him the last time he stayed over. He stuffed his clothes into the drawer and asked, “Wait you woke up at midnight?”

“Time is a social construct, Phil. I sleep when I’m tired and I wake up when I’m not.”

“Yeah but it’s probably better to have a consistent sleep schedule though.”

“God, you sound like my therapist.” Dan said as he grabbed a pillow to cover his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Phil said, worried that he had crossed a line. After all, he doesn’t truly understand what Dan went through and was in no place to make judgement.

“No, no. You’re right,” Dan sighed. “I know you probably have more questions or whatever but can you at least join me on the bed first?”

Phil smiled as he walked over to Dan’s bed and laid down in his arms. They were facing each other and Phil had his arms around Dan just like Dan had his around Phil. It felt right, to finally hold and be held again.

“Sorry you had to sit on the butt chair the other time.” Dan said.

Phil chuckled, “It’s fine. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry I came over without any warning.”

“Are you serious? You could never make me uncomfortable, and I lied that day...” Dan hesitated then continued, “I didn’t think you were the pizza guy.”

Phil laughed, “I thought that was odd.”

“I kinda hoped it was you but hope isn’t something I allow myself to feel very often. No one ever comes back.”

It finally made sense in Phil’s mind, why all of Dan’s rumored relationships never lasted very long. Why everyone thought Dan was just shutting out the people that he loved. But those people never really understood Dan, because he wasn’t shutting them out, he was shutting himself in and they never tried to reach out.

“I’m sorry.”

Dan chuckled, “Why are you sorry? You’re the only person that made me feel like it wasn’t completely stupid to hope a little.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“It’s always strange,” Dan sighed, “When I meet someone they’re always from the industry and they just know me as Daniel Howell. But Daniel Howell is just a boy that is dressed up and told to act a certain way and to do certain things.”

“I know,” Phil said as he gently ran his hand through Dan’s curls. He remembered the way they suggested his curls weren’t perfect enough, and they needed to make it look like the iconic Daniel Howell curls. Why couldn’t they see that it was already perfect? Dan was already perfect.

“You asked me why I left you but the truth is I never left you. I just have wild days, like at the BAFTAs, where I just can’t handle my mad existence. I go on autopilot where I just don’t care about anything anymore, and I don’t want anybody to see me like that.”

“Dan..”

“When you came over that day, do you know how badly I wished you would just hold me? Just for you to treat me like I was normal. Like I wasn’t completely overreacting or freaking out. Convince me that I wasn’t just a broken wreck.”

“You’re not. I was just stupid and I froze up. I thought you wanted me to stay away from you.”

“Yeah so did everyone else,” Dan gave Phil a kiss on the forehead, “but thanks for coming back anyway.”

“If this life makes you so sad, why do you keep doing it?”

“Good question,” Dan laughed. “I guess it’s a childhood dream? I briefly went to university to read law but I overestimated my own intelligence I think. Then I came back to acting, but to succeed I had to let it happen, I had to change and become Daniel Howell. The ‘Handsome Best Friend’ thing? That branding sold like hotcakes, and then I suddenly became successful really fast which was when the rumours started to spread. Now my reputation in the industry is ‘Handsome but can’t Act’ so I never get roles beyond the supporting role.”

“You _can_ act though!” Phil quickly defended him. “I’ve edited your movie so I think I have some say in this.”

Dan looked at him fondly, “God, you’re adorable,” and placed a kiss on his forehead.

“I’m sorry people were mean to you.”

“Don’t be. In this industry people always think the only thing actors desire are fame and fortune, but they are not the solutions they promise to be. I never asked for them; they don’t make me happy.”

“What makes you happy then? What do you need?” Phil asked.

“You. You make me happy. You’re all that I need.”

“Shut up,” Phil said, feeling embarrassed. “You also like video games and ribena.”

“Do you want to go to the lounge for some video games and ribena then?” Dan asked then placed his lips gently on Phil’s as his hand moved slowly down towards Phil’s black skinny jeans.

“God, no,” Phil said deepening the kiss, pushing and pulling at Dan until they found a rhythm.

Dan was right. It felt like nothing else mattered whenever they were together. It was them against the world, and this was where Phil felt the happiest too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come find me on tumblr @amazingphiw


	9. Chapter 9

Phil sat in front of the computer trying to finish his editing gig after having fallen behind schedule over the last few days. It had been hard to muster up the self discipline needed to pull himself away from Dan to focus on his work but he knew he had to. After spending another week at Dan’s, his own apartment felt a little less like home.

“You could just move in with me,” Phil recalled Dan saying casually on the couch one day.

“I can’t just _move in,”_ Phil retorted.

“Why not?”

In his mind he started listing the reasons: They’ve only known each other for a little more than a month, his apartment’s lease was not up yet, and how long would this really last? Sure, they’ve had an objectively good run over the last month but Phil couldn’t stop wondering, who was he to Dan, and more importantly who was Dan to him?

“I don’t know,” he said, unable to put his thoughts into words.

“You could if you really wanted to. You seem happy here,” Dan said shrugging, and added, “I’m happy when you’re here.”

Dan was right, Phil thought. He could if he really wanted to and he really did want to. He was already thinking of where his belongings would fit into Dan’s apartment, how he could bring colour into Dan’s monochrome aesthetic, and where his posters and games would be placed in the lounge. He thought of how Dan’s office is large and well furnished but underutilised, and the same thing could be said about his kitchen, and he thought of how he could work from home and learn to cook with Dan. It seemed like an idyllic life but he wondered if he had simply romanticized the idea.

When he told Dan that he needed to go home to finish his work, they were both visibly upset.

“Why can’t you just do your work here? I have a computer too.”

“But you don’t have the software I need and my files are on my computer back home.”

“It wouldn’t be a problem if you just lived here,” Dan said rolling his eyes.

“I can’t just _live here_ ,” Phil wasn’t surprised that Dan had brought this up again.

“Why not?” Dan asked yet again, “Don’t you want to?”

He wanted to tell Dan all the reasons he couldn’t and how much he did want to, but yet again all he could say was “I don’t know,” because he really didn’t know. There was still one big question floating around in his mind.

Phil sighed and grabbed his phone. He couldn’t concentrate on his work while the thoughts weighed heavily in his mind.

> **Phil:** what are we?  
>    
> 

> **Dan:** idk about you but I’m human
> 
> **Dan:** are you having an existential crisis?

Phil rolled his eyes at what a typical Dan response that was. 

> **Phil:** you know what i mean you rat  
>    
> 

> **Dan:** do you really want to discuss this over text?  
>    
> 

> **Phil:** i guess not
> 
> **Phil:** let me take you out for dinner?  
>    
> 

> **Dan:** you know it’s… difficult for me to go out
> 
> **Dan:** come over tonight?  
>    
> 

> **Phil:** why does that always seem like the best option?   
>    
> 

> **Dan:** because it is

Phil couldn’t deny that as a smile settled on his face at the thought of returning to Dan’s. He started to save his files in a hard drive to bring over as well, subconsciously deciding that he wouldn’t be returning home soon.

 

* 

“Look who came crawling back again,” Dan joked as he pointed to Phil’s newly packed overnight bag.

“Would you prefer if I didn’t come back?” he replied as he made his way into Dan’s apartment.

“I’d prefer it if you never left.”

“I see we’re getting straight to the point today,” Phil laughed nervously.

“That’s why you came over right?”

“I thought maybe we could have dinner first?”

“Come on, Phil,” Dan chuckled as they headed in to his room, “This doesn’t have to be difficult. Do you like being with me?”

“Yeah of course.”

“Okay, and I like being with you.”

“Uh huh…”

“So we can just be together.” Dan said nonchalantly as he flopped on to his bed.

“Wait what?” Phil felt beyond confused, “What does that even mean?”

“It can mean anything you want it to mean.”

“I don’t know what I want it to mean.” Phil said, his confusion only increasing.

Dan sat up from the bed and looked at Phil who was standing at the drawer fumbling with the clothes in his overnight bag, “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you talk to me that day at the party?”

“I was drunk and you’re a movie star.”

“That’s not the reason I caught your eye,” Dan said, pushing him to elaborate.

Phil started to laugh but his laugh softened into a smile as he remembered the night, “Because you seemed lonely, like me. We were the only two people stood alone that day. I knew why I was alone, but I couldn’t figure out why you were. You enthralled me but I could understand you perfectly.”

“And what has changed since then?”

“I like you more now.”

“And that’s bad?” Dan asked confused.

“Yes,” Phil said simply.

“Please forgive me if I seem naive, but we like each other and enjoy being with each other which has to imply I’d be good for you.” Dan said approaching Phil at the drawer. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist as he hugged him from the back.

“But would I be good for you too?” Phil asked.

Dan lifted his right arm and lightly smacked Phil on the side of his head, “I just said I liked being with you, you giant spoon!”

“Ow!” Phil protested, rubbing the side of his head, “Now I’m not sure I like being with you anymore.”

“Shut up. Just be with me ok? I don’t care what we are or what any of this means as long as you’re with me.”

“No,” Phil said and he saw Dan’s expression turn from confusion to sadness. “I want to be boyfriends. Properly.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “God, demanding.” He smiled widely even as he tried to sound like he didn’t care, “Fine, I guess we can be boyfriends.”

“Ok that’s settled then. Is that all the romance for tonight?”

“You’re the one who marched over here to tell me to be your boyfriend, what do you want me to do?”

“I thought we could cook dinner together?” Phil said as he pulled out the groceries he had bought on the way over and stuffed into his overnight bag.

“Phil! Did you put the food with your clothes?”

“They’re clean!” Phil yelled exasperatedly as he grabbed Dan’s hand and dragged him to the kitchen, both giggling like teenagers newly in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be the last chapter and it'll be an epilogue style with a time skip! find me on tumblr @amazingphiw


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter starts 2 years after the previous chapter. enjoy!

Phil stood on the sidelines yet again. Not because he wasn’t successful in his own right but the truth was that the audience cared much less about the people behind the scenes than the people in front of the screens. Though he was glad this was the way things were because he hated the spotlight anyway, and most importantly he thought Dan deserved all the spotlight.

His eyes focused on Dan who was in the midst of his media walk. Their eyes met for a moment which caused Dan’s lips to curve upwards uncontrollably and show off his dimples. Just for a moment the Daniel Howell facade was broken and a little bit of softness peeked through.

It had been 2 years since the day Phil asked Dan to be his boyfriend, which Dan found utterly adorable but Phil found cringy and embarrassing. They had intended to prepare a special dinner together to celebrate, but of course the premiere of Dan’s new movie had to fall on the exact same day. Accepting their fate, they showed up to the red carpet together as usual, either as dates, friends, companions, or just colleagues. People made their own assumptions about them but nobody could really tell and they liked it that way.

“Stop staring, Lester. It’s time to get moving.” Phil heard a familiar voice calling from the back of him.

It was Dan’s manager who he had gotten to know quite well since their first meeting at BAFTAs. Though at formal events, she mostly just told Phil where to sit and where to go.

“Hey Amanda! Where am I sitting today?”

Amanda gave him a smirk then smugly said, “You’ll be seated next to me apparently.”

“Cool!” Phil responded, trying to sound enthusiastic but failing. It was better than sitting with strangers but it was far from ideal.

“Come along,” she said signalling Phil to follow her. Then as they walked side by side she turned to him and whispered, “I’m sitting next to Dan.”

“What?” Phil asked trying to picture in his mind what that meant. When it finally dawned on him he asked, “Can we switch seats?”

“You’ll only be one seat apart, come on,” she said rolling her eyes. “You live together right? It’s just two hours.”

Phil had taken his own sweet time to move in with Dan, waiting for their relationship to stabilize and for his apartment’s lease to end. However, they had been living together since before they were  _ living _ together so it wasn’t a drastic change for them when the time finally came.

“Please? Come on! You wouldn’t have brought it up if you didn’t know it was important!”

“Fine,” she said smiling. “The screening isn’t filmed anyway so no one would care but I just wanted to make you jealous.”

“Thanks Amanda!” Phil responded with a wide grin on his face.

“A13, A14, and A15,” Amanda read off a piece of paper and pointed to the seats. “You’ll take 14 and Dan will be at 13. Now we just have to wait for the stars to shuffle in and watch the movie.”

Phil thought back to all the times he had to sit alone or stand to the sides, watching Dan shine and glow. They had agreed early on to keep their relationship a secret because neither needed the attention and pressure of a relationship under the public eye. But it was hard for Phil to hide how proud he was of Dan, to be unable to share in his achievements or stumbles along the way.

“Hey,” Dan said as he walked in and laid eyes on Phil. “You’re next to me.”

“Yeah,” Phil beamed as he saw the wide smile on Dan’s face. “I mean, I had to beg Amanda but I finally did it.”

“I didn’t make you beg!” Amanda said defensively. “God, you lovebirds are insufferable.”

Dan laughed, “Thanks for arranging this, Amanda,” she nodded and waved him away to look at the other schedules she had in her file.

“Psst,” Phil nudged Dan as he was taking a seat. “Do you know where they sell popcorn?”

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed in a hushed tone and shoved him lightly. “This is a fancy movie screening there’s no snack kiosk!”

“Why not? Am I supposed to sit here for 2 hours without snacks?”

“You’re supposed to enjoy my movie you spork.”

“I can do that while snacking!” Phil said as the lights dimmed to indicate that the movie was starting soon.

In the darkness, Phil felt someone grab his hand and interlocked his fingers with theirs. “Does this make up for it?” Dan whispered.

“Yeah,” Phil whispered back, almost blushing. Holding hands while watching a movie was something they always did at home. It was something intimate and private and he couldn’t help but feel a little shy holding hands in public even though no one else could see them. It was worth it in the end, Phil thought, to hold his love back in public if it meant that they could have and hold each other in private.

Soon the movie was over and applause rang through the theatre.

Dan looked over at Phil to see his reaction, “I loved it,” he said, keeping his urge to kiss Dan in control, knowing that he had to wait till they were home to fully express his love.

“Thanks,” Dan said as he let go of Phil’s hand when the lights came back on and Phil’s heart fell for just a second. “I just have to say bye to some people. Wait here for me?”

“Okay,” he said nodding as Dan walked away briskly.

Phil leaned back into the uncomfortable theatre chair and thought about how far they had come together. From the first night they met where he waited for Dan to bring him to his apartment, to now as he waited for them to go home together. Though one thing remained the same; He just wanted to spend more time with Dan.

“Hey Phil?” he heard Dan call, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's over! tell me what you think on tumblr @amazingphiw


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